Love the One You're With

"Self-love widens into love of all that lives."

-- Miguel de Unamuno

If you can't love yourself, who can you love? No one, actually. You may think you do. You may have a strong attraction or attachment to them, but love only comes from love. Really loving yourself is, as philosophers say, both necessary and sufficient to truly loving others.

Here's what happens: In truly loving yourself, you tap into the universal pool of love. Love that begins with self eventually transcends self. It transcends self in part because you begin to realize that there is really no essential difference between yourself and others. Form fades, essence shines and the only real, honest response to essence is love.

And then a funny thing happens -- you start loving all the quirky forms, all the eccentric people, all the other crazy souls all around you. The very qualities that pissed you off earlier become endearing in the eyes of love. It's a figgin' transformation people! And "they" haven't changed, you've changed. You've finally learned to accept and love yourself, so you've finally learned to really accept and love others.

But it's all got to start sometime, somewhere and with someone. The time is now, the place is here, and that someone is you. The only thing missing is the somehow. The somehow begins within. You sit down, close your eyes, and shut up, and you begin to feel the love that you always have for yourself deep within. It may be a small trickle at first, but like a dowser of love, you find it and follow it to its source, to the deep underground springs of pure joy and compassion. 

Don't start with the mirror. Don't start with the externals, you'll just scare yourself. Always begin within. As the love within you begins to grow, your attitude towards the external you will change as well. And then, perhaps even more mysteriously, the external you will begin to transform. You will automatically begin to manifest love for yourself, for others, for the world. Awesome! Truly. And I'm not the kind of guy who uses "awesome" to describe the nachos at Applebees.

So, yea, Crosby, Stills and Nash were right -- "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." And, you know, "the one you're with" is always you.

What You Must Do

"I have said before and I will say it again that it really does not matter much to the rest of us what you do, so long as you don't hurt anyone. But if you don't do something that you are proud of later on, it will matter to you."

-- Richard Watson. The Philosopher's Diet, p. 103.

I like Big Dick's attitude -- do whatever the hell you want, just don't hurt anybody, and everything will be OK. At least it will be OK as far as the rest of us monkeys are concerned. But to make everything OK for yourself, you've got to do something more, you've got to do something that's going to make you feel proud, fulfilled, and real.

What is that thing that you've got to do to make yourself proud? I have no idea. And you probably have no idea what I've got to do. That's just the point -- it has nothing to do with what others think you ought to do, what well-meaning people say you should do, what your parent or spouse wants you to do, or what your counselor, priest or consultant recommends that you do.

It's you. You are the one and only final authority on what you need to do to pass the Rocking Chair Test. Imagine, if you will, it's 20, 40 or more years from now. You're sitting on the porch in your rocking chair looking back over your life. What's that one thing of which you are most proud? Got nothin'? Better get busy!

The thing that makes you proud could be one shining moment, or a lifelong passion. It could be a book you write, a relationship you nourish, a cause you support, a skill you master, a role you play impeccably. Whatever it is, it's the thing that makes all the rest of it worthwhile, that makes you use and develop your unique qualities, talents and passions. It's the thing that makes your soul sing and your heart catch fire. 

Whatever it is, that's the thing you must do. That's really the only thing you must do to make sure that your life is well lived. All the rest of it, the roller coaster ride we call life, may be enjoyable, may be challenging. It may distract you or support you. Whatever. It will happen, it will unfold, and all the time it does, you still must cleave faithfully to the thing you need to do.

That's it. It's simple really. Find it. Do it. Don't hurt anyone. Make yourself proud. And, of course, enjoy the rocking chair!

How to Make Yourself Unhappy

"You are unhappy because you are stuck in a self-imposed conditional statement."

-- Aliyah Marr

Huh? What's a "self-imposed conditional statement?" It's like this: You say "I'll be happy when I move into my new condo." Or when I graduate from college, or get a really good job, or find the partner of my dreams, or make a million bucks, or write the great American novel, or retire, or...

It's the "I'll be happy" when formula that's the whole damn problem. Aliyah calls it "the happiness deferred excuse." You give yourself permission to delay happiness, to be unhappy now because you'll be happy someday when certain external conditions are met. Pure unadulterated bullshit!

Anytime your happiness is conditional you're screwed. If you can't be happy until you get what you want, until someone else changes, until you achieve such and such and so and so, until the planets align in some fortuitous cosmic pattern, you ain't never going to be happy.

Oh sure, you may feel a nice, little, warm glow for short periods of time. Like that first day or week that you're behind the wheel of your shiny new car. But lasting happiness? No way. Lasting happiness, true joy only comes in one form -- unconditional.

In that sense happiness is a decision not a certain set of conditions. You decide to be happy no matter what, come that proverbial hell or high water. "Happiness now" becomes your credo, and you don't settle for a delayed gratification, you don't make yourself, or the world, jump through a bunch of crazy hoops to get it.

Not feeling it? Refocus -- either externally or internally. Make a list of all the wonderful things about your life, of all the wonderful things about life in general. Or go for a walk and look for the beautiful, the humorous, the awe-inspiring, the pleasant, the outrageous. Or read a favorite book, listen to a music that really gets you high, or call up an old friend.

Or take the inner path. Sit down, shut up and go within. Go past the thoughts and garbage and tales of "woe is me" until you come to a clearing, a space of light and love and happiness. It's always there waiting for you. It never goes away, we go away, and then we run all over hell's half acre looking for something to make us happy. 

Something will never make you happy for long. Everything makes you happy, nothing makes you happy, but the conditional specific thing, never.  Everything is the entire external world, the "ten thousand things" as Lao Tzu called it. It is brimming with happiness. 

Nothing is truly the realm of of no-thing, the space of Spirit within. It is where you and happiness are one, where the face you had before you were born smiles at you from the mirror of your own mind. 

Accept it all -- the within, the without. Embrace it all. Feel the happiness of the unconditional, of the here, of the now. Always, already happy. What could be better?

The Light of Your Own Being

"I wish that I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."

-- Hafiz

You shine! We all do. And we're all blind, at least most of the time, to the incredible light that permeates, infuses, and oozes from us. 

Instead we see meat. We see bodies And we compare, and we miss the light. 

The Light is always being. The Light is our Being. It shines whether we know it or not. We all need to become one-eyed people in the kingdom of the blind. The one eye being the third eye, the eye that sees the Light, that sees nothing but Light.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine," the old hymn says. "Let" is the operative term here. You don't have to make it shine. You don't have to will it, or force it, or learn how to do it. Just relax and release and let the shining happen.

It will, it does. I can see it in you, when you can't see it in yourself. And you can see it in others when they are blind to it, too. Light all around us.

Perhaps all we can do is give each other reminders, give each other clues. The Light never goes out. The Light shines in you, through you, as you. You don't need Tom Bodette to "leave the light on for you." It's always on. Even in the heart of darkness, see it shine.

Perfection Not Required

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful."

-- Annette Funicello

Wisdom sprouts in the most unexpected places. Like from the lips of former Mouseketeers. You don't need a PhD in philosophy, or ten years of psychoanalysis, to see that imperfection and wonderfulness are not mutually exclusive states. They exist side by side in each person, in every life, in this very moment. 

Want to experience more of the wonderful? Look at the world (and yourself ) through the eyes of a child, rather than through the eyes of the critic. Focus on the wonderful, and either work to change the imperfections, or simply let them be. Sure, if you had the proverbial magic wand, things would be a helluva lot different around here, but since QVC isn't offering them this month, why not enjoy all the wonderful elements, moments, people and places that are a part and parcel of life?

Wrestling with imperfection saps your energy and strains your soul. The wonderful is free and ubiquitous 24/7. Help yourself. 

Your Bliss Awaits

"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there the whole while, waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living."

-- Joseph Campbell

You don't need strategic plans, incremental goals, or discipline. You just need the cojones to follow your bliss. It's so simple really, but it flies in the face of much of what we have been taught by well-meaning parents, teachers, religious figures, and self-help gurus. Bliss is the homing device that brings us to where we ought to be all along.

But first, you must be quiet enough, sensitive enough, intuitive enough to find out what your bliss is. Perhaps you ask yourself one or more of the following questions:

* What would I being doing with my life if money were not an object?

* What would I do if I knew that I could not fail?

* What have I always wanted to do but am sort of embarrassed to admit?

* What do I love to do so much that it doesn't matter whether I'm paid to do it or not?

* How do I spend my free time, my alone time?

* What makes my heart sing?

And then you listen. And act upon what you hear. 

Bliss is both its own rewards and a pathway to greater things. By attuning yourself to bliss your days are spent in highly enjoyable activity and the road that opens up before you is your own unique path. 

But if you're like alot of people, trusting your bliss is scary. We're programmed with all this garbage about asceticism, sacrifice and original sin. Something that feels as good as bliss has just got to be bad for you, right? Bullshit! 

Bliss is the litmus test. Why even think of following a path that is not blissful? Or as poet/philosopher Paul Reps said, "If it isn't fun, better left undone." 

What is your bliss calling you to do?

Stop Doing Unhappy!

"Then it hit me -- being unhappy was something I'd been doing, and when I stopped doing it, I reverted to my natural state, which is happy."

-- Orson Bean

Unhappiness doesn't just happen. We make it happen. We do unhappiness. How? By how we focus our attention. By focusing upon what we don't like, on what we find negative or lacking, we conjure up internal storm clouds of unhappiness. Doing unhappiness is tough mental work!

It begins with judging. We awaken. The world is as it is. For some reason, though, we feel that it is our role to judge the world and project upon it how we think it should be. If it's raining, it should be sunny dammit, and so we become unhappy. If lying in bed next to us is an imperfect person, they should be smarter, richer, prettier, better, or at least they should appreciate us more! We should all over ourselves and the world all the time, and all it does is increase our unhappiness!

The moment you stop judging, condemning, and shoulding, you start undoing unhappiness. You don't need to repeat positive affirmations. You don't need to visualize a perfect world. You don't need to channel disembodied beings of light or believe that Jesus died for your sins. Just accept what is. 

Acceptance is the great slayer of the dragon of unhappiness. Or for you techie types, acceptance is the reset button that returns your mind to its original, factory setting -- a natural state of happiness. Out of acceptance grows appreciation. Once you quit arguing with reality, you begin to see that it is pretty damn cool! The rain brings the flowers, the person lying in bed next to you gets up and makes some kick ass blueberry pancakes.

Flowers and pancakes are great, but they're merely icing on the cake. True happiness begins within. Quit doing unhappiness, and lo and behold, happiness is all that's left. You happy. Or if you want to get real Zen about it -- no you, just happy. Either way, unhappy no more.

Stories, Choice and Power

"Power consists to a large extent in deciding what stories will be told."

-- Carolyn Heilbrun

Events happen. Then we make up stories about what happened. Alot more happens than gets remembered. And even out of what we remember, much of it is not deemed story-worthy. And in such a way so-called reality is created, history written. Herstory, too.

When Carolyn talks of power, though, she is mostly referring to the power of the press, the power that journalists and media executives have to decide which stories are newsworthy and which aren't. The Internet has helped level that playing field tremendously. Now, damn near every story, no matter how boring, mundane or self-aggrandizing gets told by somebody. Whether anyone finds them, reads them, or cares about them is, in and of itself, "another story."

What interests me, though, is not the press or bloggers or historians, but you.  What stories do you tell yourself and others about your own life? Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you remember the facts. How do you structure them, combine them, spin them to weave them into a story? What do you choose to emphasize? What do you choose to downplay or leave out altogether? What titles do you give your stories, like when you say, "did I ever tell you the story about..."

In all spheres of life, power is simply the ability to choose. What do you choose to remember? What words do you choose to describe what you remember? What rhythm, tone, and theme do you bring to your stories? Who do you choose to share your stories with? Each choice is creative; each choice is powerful.

Lying in bed a little while ago I started thinking about a series of challenges that I've faced in my life. As I ran the stories through my head, I thought, I'm a survivor. These stories are about a survivor. And the term "survivor" brought a certain steely, triumphant, yet burdensome quality to the stories.

Then I thought, wait, these stories aren't about surviving, they're about seeking. I'm not the survivor, I'm the seeker. Immediately the tone of the stories changed from slogging through to being pulled forward, from overcoming to exploring. One word change and the meaning of this whole story cycle changed entirely.

The quality of your life is, to a large extent, made up of the stories you choose to tell, and how you choose to tell them. Everything that happens is merely raw material for your stories. In that way, you are the author of your own life. You have the power. You are a novelist and an historian, a myth-maker and a truth-teller, a poet and a reporter, all rolled into one. 

It's your life. Make it epic.